Written by Daniela Gaudek translated by Leonore Embree
Today I am writing about my mosquito bite, but before I am doing this, I want to note how happy and thankful I am to be able to spend one and a half weeks at the European Mission Fellowship e.V. and are continuing to help out as a volunteer.
At this point of time I am reading the book: “I remain a daughter of the light” from “Shirin” Alexandra Cavelius and Prof. and Dr. Jan Kizilhan.
This book helps me to better understand certain things for me. I want to recite two sections of the book that are written by Prof. and Dr. Jan Kizilhan.
“Abused woman typically suffer from nightmares, constant recurring memories and fears to fall back into the hands of ISIS.
Typical are joylessness, indifferentism, loss of trust in people and humankind, permanent suspicions towards people and increased tension because they fear of the worst happening.
Furthermore they have physical discomfort like head-, back-, stomachache, lack of motivation, tendency to (over)think, trouble sleeping and they avoid situation that are assimilated with danger.” (Jan Kilzilhan – I remain a daughter of the light)
What does this have to do with me? Based on the domestic violence I experienced and what happened to me after I fled I am suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome.
I myself know the mistrust and suffer from the inability to trust people. The only one I completely trust is God. Some may think: “well that is awesome!” Yes this is great, but not to be able to trust people is very lonesome.
Now to some things that I, after reading the book, refer to as a mosquito bite.
One of the favorite torture methods of my ex husband was the following.
He would grab me in the front of my head, at my forehead, with his fingers in my hair, slam me onto the floor and hit me in my face saying: “You are a whore and a prostitute!” “What are you?” than he would hold on for a moment. I refused to say these words about myself; therefore he would continue hitting me. He would do this as long until I would repeat this about me.
That was very degrading.
After that he forced me to have sex with him.
That totally disgusted me.
His following “torture methods” would be these:
At night, when the kids were in bed he would demand sex from me. I did not like to be intimate with him, trough the daily violence my feelings for him were dead.
Most of the times he would demand sex from me in the living room, where I told him no and would go in our bedroom where I would put the blanket up to my ears.
He would follow me into the bedroom, slander me verbally and insult my beliefs as well. For example he would ask me how Jesus would …..
He would tear the blanket of me, yell at me, leave the room only to come back to start all over again. He would do that until the kids were crying (they would wake up from that).
That would be the time when I caved in, closed my eyes and got it over with.
I hated myself for that.
There were Christians that helped me to halfway endure this, but most of them believed (unfortunately me as well) that god would take care of it.
With every break up he (my ex-husband) would “convert” and acted like he really understood that he could not continue like that.
Whenever he had me back, everything started all over again.
I am thankful for my former church leader who was there for me day in and day out.
After 19 years of domestic violence, I had an emotional breakdown. I totally isolated myself and knew that I urgently had to go somewhere, far, far away.
So I asked some Christians for help. But no one came. Nobody helped me. A lot of them had really god excuses.
I asked god for help and he send me a Christian friend from Switzerland and my husband of today.
Both of them helped me to escape this violence.
Than something terrible happened, my kids were taken from me. My ex husband got sole custody of the kids. Witnesses I had were never heard.
Back then I was at my end.
During this time of suffering, I got to know Frank Seidler. He is the chairman of the European Mission Fellowship e.V. and a family therapist.
Over the years he stood right next to me, helped me to laugh again, and accompanied me to court appointments 830 km away.
Never did he ask for anything.
He did this out of love for Jesus Christ.
Why am I writing this today?
Almost no one helped me back then, not even Christians. Now there are again people in desperate need and a lot of Christians are talking about the dehumanizing condition but when it comes to concrete help there are only a few. The others have cleverly worked out speeches not to help.
Today I read another quote from Prof. and Dr. Jan Kizilhan:
“In the interpretation of ISIS, Yezidis are devil worshippers. This ideology explains the total inhibited violence. This for is only possible if the alleged unbelievers are not seen as human. Dehumanization takes place. Than you can do whatever you want with your victims, because you have no compassion or mercy.” (Jan Kilzilhan – I remain a daughter of the light)
If we do not have mercy as Christians, no compassion for people in need, but are in constant fear that it could cost us too much, than what does it say about us as Christians.
Then we are a part of dehumanization.
Out of personal experience I know how a raped and abused woman feels.
I was able to get to know “Shirin” and my suffering is nothing compared to hers. I was a witness of the freeing of other tortured women and slaves.
And I am not ashamed to ask you for help.
Everyone can help, if he wants too.